Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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