im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
