Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize