Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
