Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
