if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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