I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
