my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
