Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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