new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
