When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
they need to just BURY HIM!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
