The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My penis needs a shock collar
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
