I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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