Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
