It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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