shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
