The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
