My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
