Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
