70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
