Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
