We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
