i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize