Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
