I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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