I could make wine with my vomit
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
