Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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