Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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