That's intense
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
