I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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