Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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