please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
foreskin is a definite game changer
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
