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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  didn't that happen to you last weekend?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries

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• (305): View more from Florida

  Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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• (917): View more from New York City

  I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I love you football head

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• (518): View more from New York

  Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future

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• (269): View more from Michigan

  Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  And me

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?

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