but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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