hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
