She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
