I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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