I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
