You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize