They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize