I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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