My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize