Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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