I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
