Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
