yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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