there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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