Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The air taste purple.
Randomize
