i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
