Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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