Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
