True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
