nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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