so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
