I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
