so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
