my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
