I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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