the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
