you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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