you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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