just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
