who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
