Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize