She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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