I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
