A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
