Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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