So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
