I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize