Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
