worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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