I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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