it was like eating out sand paper
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
